nere05 (nere05) wrote,

You know you're growing up when...

This is my first year in college where I take out loans. I'm nervous! I'm trying to apply online, but every time I go to apply for the Stafford loans, the silly internet takes me to Sallie Mae's private loan page, which is not what I want. I will be calling soon!

Saturday is Robin's birthday. Lots of impending clubbing. Really don't want to go. Probably might think about maybe possibly changing my mind several times, sort of. 1. I won't know anyone there. 2. Juanita probably won't go, so I really won't know anyone there. 3. Rosa did go to my birthday party thing, so I should go to hers. 3. I won't be going to the after party, which I really didn't want to go. e. I don't want to celebrate someone's 18th birthday because I don't feel like I'm even 18. Ok, wait, that last one didn't make sense. Robin's celebrating her 18th birthday by going to a club (something she could not do before) and later drinking (which she technically still can't do). I never did the whole I'm-going-to-do-something-I-couldn't-do-before-because-I'm-18-and-can-do-what-I-want. I have never bought cigarettes, never been to a club, haven't had my 21st birthday drink, never bought condoms (do you have to be 18 for that?), never been to a casino, etc. I'm pretty lucky to even drive. Having my license is the real only right of passage thing I've done. Not jealous. Well, a tad. Robin's worried about what outfit to buy for Saturday; I'm worried about what lender to go with for my student loans. Anyhoo, moving on...

Some more grown stuff-- Juanita moved out. Well, sort of. She and her mom (and little sister) moved with her grandmother temporarily this week. I can only wish the best for them. I know they are only living there temporarily until they find an apartment/ save enough to buy furniture and appliances. My parents are going to evict our tenants. Hmm... The thoughts spew from the volcano that is my head...!

Wednesday, I might be hanging out with Robin and possibly Juanita. I hope so because then I can just celebrate Robin's birthday that day. It's going to be like a spa day-- eyebrows, tanning, possibly nails and maybe hair. If I have the money, I'll pay for the stuff and have that be her present. OH EM GEE! Dudesie, if the three of us start hanging out, we could be like the Three Amigas or the Three Musketeers or Jerone! Yeah, ok, I'll shut up now. Tee hee, I have friends. I need a phone again. :(

Mandy bit Terrance for the first time yesterday. It's pretty sad when the most adorable normal burm decides to bite Daddy. She didn't just bite and let go when she realized he wasn't food. She constricted. I have her on punishment. I don't know what that means, but I can pretend.

I'm in a playful mood right now, and I have no one to share it with. Oh crap! I'm going to be über bored. Robin's off, Manual's off, Jeni's on vacation-- even Amanda's off. How pitiful. Maybe I'll talk to Justin if he's available to talk. Hopefully it won't be busy, and I can just skip my lunch, leave early, and see Terrance at 8:30.

Even though I feel as if I'm in debt to half the population, I'm still on top of the world emotionally and mentally. Oh, I'm still sick. Oddly enough, I've been feeling a fever in the mornings and in the evenings-- weird because I feel normal in between. Ok, enough rambling. This may have just been the dumbest post I've ever made while being the most acknowledging of the more recent posts. I need sleepy time. Nightz world! And just to concede the "dumbest post" category: I'll like totally ttylz fo rizzle my mah nizzle. Fo sho. Totally. Like. Zap. Skippity do wap. Blah. Nights. Entire chorus of "Hey Ya" by Outkast. Man, I miss that song. Aw, I miss Devon. Uh-oh, I think this post may also win the award for most random. In that case... rabbits! Sean Paul! Shoes! Skittles! Puppy kicking! Squirrel takeovers! Oh damn. Damn diggety damnety dangit. Bad. Bad! Badddd!!!!! Okay. Okay. Okay. *Sigh* I'll admit it. I miss the bitch. Damn this post! It needs to die! Now! Ugh... Okay, I'll address it by talking about it, not by actually doing something about it because I am too lazy.

Yes, I have been thinking about her a bit more usual than normal lately-- well particularly the last hour or so. "After the Rain" by Mýa popped up in my playlist. I didn't even know the song, never heard it-- darn my love of Mýa's music. Anyhoo, I tried to relate to the song, and I did, somewhat. I started writing this post and started thinking of her while writing about loans because I remember her posting something about her refund check, and I was still in high school and couldn't understand what the hell it was. She did that silly thing where she dumbs it down to a kindergarten level, and it made me laugh. This was, however, at least 3 years ago. Yes, things have gone sour since then. I admit I wasn't the best friend she wanted. Could I have been? Possibly. But due to circumstances, changes, and clashes, we grew apart and, to some degree, distanced ourselves. I felt the awkwardness when we'd talk on the phone, but I never said anything. I always felt that if I admitted something was wrong, it meant there actually was something wrong. Pretending everything was fine was simply easier. I can't guarantee that I'd be a perfect friend now knowing what I did wrong in the past. I can always try. "I don't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try." She was online yesterday, and I was so tempted to write to her, but I chickened out. I don't know why. And, yes, my eyes are currently watering up. Admitting that they were filling with tears kind of stopped them from coming. I don't want to write to her, beg for forgiveness, promise to be her best friend, and let her down again. I'm fine with the first three, but only if I can promise myself I won't do the latter. Would I write to her right now? Probably not. I'd chicken out. Would I contact her if she was online? Yes, probably. I admitted everything.

Being a friend to Juanita and vice versa has opened my eyes. When we talk about anything, we talk for a while. It makes me feel good that I have someone to talk to, and she can talk to me whenever she wants. I know now that I have what it takes to be a good friend. I thought I knew it before, but this confirmed it. Does this mean I would be if she were my friend again? I'm not sure. I'd try to be. (Of course, I'm no longer writing about Juanita at this point.) But the point still stands. The point I never made. I do love her, I always will. I'm not afraid to admit that. Whether she'll be the best friend I always wished for, or if she'll just be a good memory doesn't matter. There will always be reminders of her; they'll never go away. I'm a firm believer in if it's meant to be, it will be. If not, then it's for the better. I do wish her happiness. Her words were written in anger and hurt. My words are written in remorse and regret. I've only regretted three things in my life. My thoughts were always, "Never regret anything. At one time, it was exactly what you wanted." Well, I have three regrets. I don't feel comfortable disclosing the other two, but I do regret this. I admit it. I leave things in God's hands and in those of fate. If it's meant to be, it will be-- whether it's today, tomorrow, next week, years from now, or never. I genuinely only wish that she is happy with whomever her friends are or will be. I wish success in her future. I wish her true happiness and joy. I hope she will be happy. I don't know why I am writing this on this stupid journal. With my luck, my internet will crash, and this post will never see the world. It'll be between my subconscious and my conscious mind to keep forever. It was a spur of the moment thing. I should just tell her these things instead of keeping it to myself and my mind. I guess I haven't fully grown enough to right my wrongs. I'm not thinking while I write these words, they're just coming out. I guess I'll just empty my mind while I have the opportunity. But I swear to God and on my life (yes, I know, two things I never do), if she just randomly came online right now, I'd write to her. Even if just to write, "hi" and nothing else. I guess I just secretly hope she reads this.

This post is ultimately one of the most meaningful posts I have written (on top of being the most dumb and the most random). It shows my character. I am random. I am weird. I now admit when I am wrong. I do appreciate. I am grateful. I am capable of being a good friend. I am naive. I am idealistic. I am optimistic. I have grown, but I have growing up to do yet. My thoughts drowned out my mouth, but I can hear myself again. I think I'm done. So if fate wants it to happen, she'll read this. She'll know I'm talking about her. She's not vane, but she can bet this is about her.

So, to you I write. I miss you. I'm sorry. I know these words are meaningless unless you read them, so I really hope you do read them. I'm not wishing you will be my bestest friend forever. I'm wishing you'll look into your heart and do what it says. If it tells you try to work it out, I hope you do. If it tells you to move on, I can only hope you will be happy. I wish for companionship for you from someone who appreciates you and your personality, your ideals, goals, and opinions. I hope you are happy with what you do in your life. And I hope you at least look back on our friendship and smile. Please listen to "La Diferencia" by Nadia or Juan Gabriel and think of it as a heterosexual dedication from me to you if the latter is what you choose. I guess maybe I wasn't done. I am, however, sleepy. So, here's to secretly, or not so secretly, hoping that you read this. Have a good night, world.

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